Fear

I am NOT afraid of heights! (Yes I am.) Am NOT. I am afraid of falling, which is NOT the same thing.

I happily worked the night shift on computers in a 48 story building, and used to go up to the top to look out over the city to watch the snow come in like a rolling wave. Once we scurried up to the top to watch the newspaper warehouse burn, down the street from us - all those heavy giant rolls of newspaper could not be put out for hours, and it was awesome to watch, especially because it was snowing -hard! - at the time. I wished I had a camera, the shots were just amazing, clouds of snow and burning paper whirling about... I danced on the roof, loving the height and the beauty of the night. I love going up in a glass elevator on the outside of a building.

When I was a kid I was the original "yard ape", always up a tree and climbing higher. I felt safe in trees - lots of branches, I was a tiny thing, and I could climb higher than anyone else. When the wind blew I would hang on and rock to and fro with my tree...

But going up on a ladder scares the bejesus out of me. Long narrow ladder. Wide load butt. Topheavy front end. Paint can in one hand, paint brush in the other. Big flat feet that catch on rungs going up, slide around them going down. Why do they make rungs round? Good. Lord. I have to paint those window frames and the trim while it is still pretty out. Have. to. The house looks unfinished. I'm all there is, the only one, to paint or climb. The windows are too small to be climbed out of. It's all up to me. If I could, I'd lash a rope around my waist and rappel down the house, but I can't. So it's the ladder or nothing. I'm not afraid, I'm not, I'm not. (Yes I am.)

Remember - three rungs up over the edge at all times. Remember - angle it outward, the wider the angle the less chance of slippage. Who made roof tiles so slippery? Who thought gutters should be so fragile? Watch the window, idiot.

OSHA like the idiots they are say no ladder should be climbed after it is raised until it is tied off first. Tied off? Who's up there to tie it off? How did they get there without a ladder? OSHA. Paugh. What a typically brilliant, totally useless idea.

OK, my hands are gripping the window frame like it was my last dollar. I can't paint like this. Let go. Let. GO. Don't drop the brush. Don't drop the bucket. Don't drop the brush INTO the bucket. Put the bucket on the roof overhang. Careful - it's slanted. There. Paint out to the left. Good. Paint out to the right. Good. Paint very carefully in the middle. Good. Now climb back down and move the ladder three more feet and do it again. WAIT - don't forget the bucket!

I am not afraid of heights. Am. NOT.